Making & Keeping Friends: Helping Kids to Find Success

During my sophomore year in high school I went to my mom with a bout of teen angst saying, "I want to be popular." I had plenty of friends. Enjoyed a variety of activities. But I felt like I was missing something. I've never been voted to a high school court or been nominated for a class office. It seemed like there was a magical "something" out there that others had figured out, leaving me in the dark.

So my mom made me a bet: if I read How to Win Friends and Influence People, she'd pay me a nickel for every instance that I used one of the techniques in the book. I focused on finding ways to give people GENUINE COMPLIMENTS. In order to do this, I had to constantly be on the lookout for things that I liked in other people.

I started doing it. I don't think the nickel thing lasted more than a few weeks, because the immediate results were far more beneficial. Within a matter of months, I'd been elected to represent my class on a royal court and was eventually chosen as Student Body President.

Now, granted, this began with somewhat questionable motives. But I doubt that my mom did it because she wanted me to be "popular." She did it because she knew it would teach me an incredible life lesson. And it did. I learned a TON about what makes people tick. What began as a solution for self-centered teen angst became a set of life skills that have served me ever since, even helping me to become more altruistic.

As an adult, I've turned to the book again to help several students, including my own children. Lately, I've begun reading sections of it aloud to one of my children who sometimes struggles in social situations. After each chapter, he makes a poster to summarize the big ideas. I can tell the lessons are sticking as he has started to apply the knowledge to daily life situations.

I hope to someday see the book rewritten for kids. But until then, filtered and condensed, it can still serve as an amazing resource for kids who struggle to make and keep friends. Try it. I bet ya a nickel that it'll work! :)

Feelings Journal: Working Through Mads, Sads, Scareds...

...whines, impatient rumbles, caustic sibling spats...and every other feeling that just might cause the nearest adult to walk out the front door to "check the mail" 47 times in a single morning sigh.

Have you ever heard anything like this in your house? Or classroom (at home or at school)?

"I don't want to!"

[whining] "I want somebody to play with."

[angry] "He touched me!"

[impatient] "Aren't you ready YET??"

"It's MY turn! NOW!"

"Why do we have to do - eat - look at - touch - listen to - clean THAT?"

I have. So I created a new tool. Whenever I hear my kids express a big (negative) feeling, I give them an opportunity to develop their social/emotional skills. Here's how it works...

Each child has a "Feelings Journal." When I hear something break erupt, I ask them to record the feeling they are presently having, how strong the feeling is, and the cause of the feeling. Then, they look at a list of activities that have the potential to turn the feeling around. (Turn that frown upside down?!) They select one activity. Afterward, they return to the journal and reevaluate their original feeling, giving it a new number.

This is an AWESOME tool!

Within a matter of minutes, children go from whiny, mad, impatient, irritable, or scared to happy. It's delightful to see them begin to realize that they are in control of their feelings. Some recent examples:

Child #1 says, "You didn't get my paper ready!" I say, "Sounds like you have some strong feelings. Why don't you take a moment and write about it in your feelings journal?" The child says he is "impatient" and an "8" on a score of 1 (low) to 10 (high.) He decides to go pet the cat to feel better. When he returns, his feelings number is now a 2! (And for the record, the paper WAS ready!)

Child #2 whines, "I want to go to Matt's house."  (He writes, "I dot Get to Go to Matts Hoas") He gives the feeling a 7. Looking at the list, he can't decide what to do, so I suggest he take a walk outside to dump the compost. He agrees. When he comes back he gives the feeling a 1.

This could be used at home or school...anywhere that children have the opportunity to stop what they are doing for a few minutes* and change gears/activities long enough to recognize and process their current feelings. At home, it'd be a great thing to start during summer break!

*School note: the list of activities include movement. The document specifies that the child needs to get teacher approval before doing an activity. If the list is not well-suited to your situation, a sheet is included to develop your own classroom list of 10 activities. 

This pack, appropriate for K-6th grade, comes with:

• Feelings Journal Cover (3 options: boys, girls, mixed boy/girl)
• "Things I Could Do To Change My Mood" list (3 options: home, school, child-created)
• Journal Page (options: independent reader, early reader with pictures which include boy, girl, or mixed boy & girl graphics)
• Feelings Booklist
• Feelings Book Basket Labels 

Here's hoping that this helps all your little sweeties (at home and at school) to develop social/emotional skills that will make it easier for you to parent and to teach. (And not feel the need to "check the mail" 47 times in one morning!) Thank you in advance to those who take the time to leave feedback in my store; when you leave feedback, TPT allows you to earn credit toward future purchases. Also, if you become a store follower--and I hope you do!--you will receive an automatic notification when I update this product. Again, thank you!

Go to:

Teachers Pay Teachers

Teachers Notebook

Graphics in the pack are from My Cute Graphics. (And who couldn't help but feel better after looking at such cute pictures!)

Do You Repeat, Repeat, Repeat Yourself?

Has this ever happened to you?

Teacher: Turn to page 31.
[As the last word falls from her mouth, she is interrupted by...]
Student: What page are we supposed to be on?

Or...

Teacher: Put your name in the upper right hand...
Student: Should we put our name on our paper?

Who is working harder in your classroom? You or your students? Think about directions. Who works harder? Do you work harder to explain (repeating yourself over and over and over) or do they work harder to listen?

If you are a classroom or homeschool teacher and find yourself repeating-repeating-repeating yourself, here's an idea that I'll call "Take 3: Ask 3 Before Me." The idea? After you've given a direction or answered a question, you do not repeat yourself until a student can prove that she has asked at least 3 other people for the information. It looks like this:

Teacher: Take out your math books.
Student: What are we supposed to be doing?
Teacher: Take 3. [Alternately, the teacher puts up 3 fingers or points to a visual cue on the wall and moves on.]

The student then finds 3 other people to ask. In order to return to the teacher with the same question, she must list the names of the 3 people she asked. Not surprisingly, this rarely happens!

A modified version can be very effective in the homeschool setting. "Take 3" means that the student sets the timer for 3 minutes, working at a task for mom (emptying dishwasher, folding laundry), all while trying to remember what the teacher said. At the end of the 3 minutes, if the child still doesn't remember, Mom is able to repeat a direction because the child has worked to replenish the energy that Mom will use to repeat herself.

Grab the free posters in my TPT store.  Like what you see? Some TPT feedback would make my day!

Enjoy!

Dealing with Difficult Behaviors, Especially ANGER

Over at Fun in First, Jodi wrote a post about Dealing with the Difficult Child. As a teacher and mom of five kids, I've certainly dealt with my share. Over the past few years, I've sometimes worked as a respite care provider for kids with significant behavioral issues. Whether you're dealing with a difficult child in the classroom or at home, here are a few ideas...

1. Working with a kid that quickly goes from 0-60 on the anger scale? Maybe he shuts down entirely? Chances are, the child's brain has shifted from the cortex (the front, thinking part of the brain) to the lower brain, sometimes dubbed the "reptilian brain," and entered into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Unfortunately, you can't really reason with someone in this mode. It's akin to reasoning with a lizard. So you need to do whatever it takes to get the child out of the lower brain. Usually, that means using few words. Instead, try...
2. Jumping. If you've got a mini-trampoline, all the better. You won't be the first one to have one in your home or classroom for that purpose! If the child is able to repeat a positive phrase while jumping, great! Something like "I make wise choices," can help. As I understand it, the joint compression involved with jumping can produce seratonin or "happy hormone." Pushing hard against a wall (I tell kids to try to push the wall down!) can have the same effect.
3. "Steel and spaghetti." I learned this technique from an incredible child psychologist. (Same with #2, actually!) Have the child tense every bit of his body as tight as he can (steel) for several seconds and then completely relax every part of his body, bending forward so that his fingers are dropping toward the ground (spaghetti.)
4. Try doing the Brain Gym PACE sequence.When I took Brain Gym training, we were told to use this with students to prepare for new learning. So it's good for many reasons! 

Are you interested in learning more about dealing with difficult behaviors? If so, let me know so I can post more. It's a topic that greatly interests me.